Needs are never in conflict
Strategies are. Let's talk about the difference.
Hi hello. For those who don’t know me, I’m Ray. I write here at This Is Human, it is a pleasure to have you here. This post is about differentiating between Needs and Strategies, and is based on my understanding of a philosophy called non-violent communication. I studied NVC for over a decade and have used it as a facilitation tool in dialogue groups in the context of war and intimate relationships. What I say here is my own understanding and interpretation of the philosophy put forth by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. If you are interested in learning more, his book is a great place to start, as is www.cnvc.org
Needs are universal; we all have them, and we all have the same ones.
Strategies are specific: to time, place, people, and actions. We don’t all have the same strategies to meet the same needs, and even within our own lives our preferred strategies to meet our needs change over time.
Let me give a simple example.
We have probably all said, “I need to take a shower.”
But if we look more closely, a shower is not a need. A shower is a strategy that can meet a variety of needs, for example:
Well-being
Health
Relaxation
Calm
Ease
Even from looking at these, we can see that taking a shower is an action that can fulfill a variety of needs. Sometimes we shower because we need to tend to our hygiene and therefore our health and physical well-being. Other times we shower because we need to relax and find calm. But we can also agree that there are other ways to meet our needs for hygiene, and for relaxation. We could wipe down with a wet cloth, or jump in a river. And maybe you know someone for whom taking a shower would not meet their need for relaxation and calm, my autistic daughter being one of them.
So how can you tell if something is a need or a strategy? You can ask yourself, does everyone need it, but their path to fulfilling it might be different? If yes, it’s a need. Or do different people do it or not do it, and for different reasons? In that case, it’s a strategy.
Needs just are.
They just exist, whether they are met or not.
They can’t be argued with or about.
When I learned NVC, I used to love when my teachers referred to needs as “lifeforce moving through us.” I think I loved that because that’s how it feels to me. We have a need for connection, autonomy, recognition, consideration, integrity/trust, purpose, joy, mattering, stability. These (and others of course) are the wind that blows life into us, they are what moves us to act.
According to this way of understanding, every action we take is an effort to meet a need. We may often be unconscious of it, but everything we do is in search of fulfilling an unmet need.
This understanding is what makes it possible to have unconditional empathy for all humans at all times, even while we acknowledge that certain actions do not contribute to well-being and we don’t condone them.
I know that might sound radical. But I really think, and it has been my experience, that when we dig down to the level of needs, we can always find empathy. Empathy doesn’t mean we agree. It means we see the humanity and can respectfully understand what someone is experiencing.
People join gangs because they are looking for belonging, empowerment, and importance. When we look at it this way, we might be moved to think wow, the best strategy that person could find in their life and in their surroundings to meet those needs, needs that of course they have, needs that I too have, is to join an organization of violence. From this perspective, we find empathy.
(Let’s pause to say that of course trauma interacts with this, and many times we choose strategies that do not and cannot really meet our underlying needs because we don’t know how, or don’t have the resources, either material or emotional, to do so. I want to acknowledge that, while also saying that I am not taking that up in this piece in a significant way.)
As I said at the beginning, needs are never in conflict. When conflict arises, it is because two or more people are choosing incompatible strategies. I’ll give you an example from my recent daily life:
My husband and I split the day in half, each working 4 hours at our paid work and 4 hours with our daughters. This past week, my husband mostly stayed home during his time with our kids. I was bleeding, and wanted to spend some of my work time resting and doing my hobbies, specifically working on a dress I am sewing. But my husband and kids were in the living room all the time. I got annoyed and frustrated and told my husband as much. The conflict started escalating.
When conflict escalates, it is usually because both parties are clinging to their strategy, while underneath they are terrified that their underlying need is not going to be met. What feels threatened is the need, yet we spend our energy and breath arguing about actions. I tell him to take the girls out, he tells me to sew in the office. I say I can’t sew in the office, he says he doesn’t want to go out.
This is where it gets a little radical again, because moving from strategies consciousness to needs consciousness requires a leap of faith and a truckload of flexibility. Let’s give it a try.
After reaching dead-end after dead-end in our argument, we finally switched gears. We slowed down and listened to each other. After sharing and listening, my husband discovered that he was experiencing a need for ease. As an autistic person, going out into the world with our daughters, where he is likely to interact with strangers, weather meltdowns, and manage logistics can be really hard. When he imagines going out with the kids, he does not see that it can meet his need for ease. As I shared more, I identified that I had a need for joy and rest. I was bleeding, and I wanted to do something that would fill my own cup. When I imagined staying in the office all day, I could not see how that could meet my needs.
First of all, sharing in this way immediately changed the energy between us. Instant vibe shift. We love and care about each other, and we are moved to contribute to each other’s needs. Of course I understand his need for ease. Of course he wants me to have joy and rest. When we talk on the needs level, we both instinctively move towards each other; our hearts are moved by what we hear.
From this point of empathy and connection, we began exploring strategies, this time with increased flexibility. We discussed a few ideas, trying on options and each taking a moment to see if it felt good enough to try. Eventually we landed on the idea of my husband taking the girls to the covered deck we built at the abandoned farm we bought but don’t live at yet. My husband came to the conclusion that going out to a space that is ours, where he knows what to expect and can be certain he won’t need to be spontaneously social, can still meet his need for ease.
Whenever this happens, I wonder why we didn’t think of that seemingly obvious strategy that works for both of us the first time around? Why go through the whole conflict when that option was there all along? But then I remember what my NVC teachers used to tell us: in the moment to moment of everyday life, when we are likely doing multiple things at once, not moving at a slow enough pace to really hear what’s going on inside us, we can simply try our best to do as little harm as possible. Try to fight fair, try not to say things you can’t unsay. Then, when we’ve had a chance to cool down, come back around and use the tools in the repair conversation.
What I take from this is that we all get triggered. We all feel afraid that our needs won’t get met, and because in the moment we can’t precisely identify that fear, we cling even more tightly to our preferred strategy. It’s okay. After all, we are all pretty much little kids in adult bodies, wondering if we’ll get what we need. What matters is what happens next. Because once we’ve calmed down, once our thinking brain has come back online, we have an opportunity to dig deeper, to get curious about what life force is moving through both us and our partner (or friend or family member).
Let me give one more example, that happened just now. About an hour ago I finished facilitating a session with a couple who need support to communicate and find common ground on the topic of moving house. I witnessed as they also got crunched into their strategies when they feared their deep and underlying needs were not being seen and honored. As I reflected back to them what I was hearing, they slowly peeled back the layers and were able to see the need, the life force moving through each them. They were moved by each other’s needs. They were both touched by getting in contact with their own deep needs. And, as usually happens, they found a path forward that they could walk together, not leaving anyone’s needs unseen and unmet.
It was beautiful. It was courageous. It was an honor to be a part of.
When we hung up the video call, I turned to myself and noticed I had a need for presence, grounding, and ease. My first thought was to walk down to the river for a cold swim. My second thought was that I should finish writing this and do some dishes. I went back to my needs and knew that if I sat down to write and do the dishes, I would not meet those needs, and would be more likely to be grumpy when my turn to be with my kids arrived. So I pulled on my bathing suit, grabbed a towel and my water bottle, strapped my sandals to my feet and started out.
When I reached the downhill, I felt my legs. I remembered I had done a leg workout this morning and I stopped in my tracks. At that moment I realized that this river strategy wasn’t going to meet a different need, for physical comfort and rest. I realized that if I push myself to go down and back up this very steep and long hill, I will probably be exhausted and again grumpy. I paused and asked, what else could meet my need for presence, grounding and ease, and also for comfort and rest? I turned around, walked back into the house and took a cold shower followed by a short breathwork session. I felt grounded and energized, fully present.
(More next time about what NVC has to say about feelings and how they indicate to us what is going on with our needs, and also some of my own contradictory thoughts on that!)
When we are attuned to our needs, as they unfold in the present moment, we can see much more clearly what actions to take. We can see, with flexibility and creativity, what strategies are most likely to answer the variety of needs that exist within our internal system and our relationships.
So I invite you to ask yourself, what lifeforce is moving through me? And only then, what actions can I take that will honor that?
I am opening space to two more couples to work and walk with me in this way with a weekly supported video call for deep communication and connection where we gently explore the underlying needs that are hiding beneath conflict or tension. If you feel this could be nurturing for you, please get in touch here <3
This is not exclusive to romantic couples. It could also be friendship, work partners, or another committed relationship in your life.
Thank you, as always, for sharing your time to read my words. This meets my needs for purpose, connection, and to be known. Writing in this way meets my needs for self-expression. If you’d like to help meet my needs for physical well-being like food and shelter, please consider becoming a paid subscriber or making a donation to my tip jar on Kofi. Thank you!